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Stafford EMS Softball

August 18, 2012

“For one brief moment victory was within our grasp! And, then the game started.” That about summed up our glorious 2012 Stafford County EMS softball season.

I believe our fate was struck early by our shirt vendor when she printed the Star of Life logo on our t-shirt upside down. Coach Misty should’ve listened to me and took them back. I mean really – how can we be expected to play softball when we’re worried about being upside down?

Sitting in the dugout before the first game, I was as nervous as a Thanksgiving turkey – and I wasn’t even starting. Don’t’ get me wrong, I was ready to play. But Coach told me in a snappy little Mick Jagger voice – “Steve, you can’t always get what you want.”

I felt a bit uncomfortable sitting there in my upside down uniform, like a dead atheist – all dressed up and no place to go.

So, our team – minus me – took the field. Pitcher Kara was on the mound and it was clear that tonight she had the focus of a brain surgeon. She stared each batter down with laser like concentration.

The 1st inning she mowed them down like armadillos getting smashed trying to sneak across Highway 50.

Then came the 2nd inning and a certain person lost their focus – the umpire.

Nobody explained to me Rule #3 of Stafford County Softball – “Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule, a cook – or the umpire.” I tried to kindly explain that her strike zone wasn’t quite fair. And she not so kindly explained back to me, “Fair is where cows and hogs compete for ribbons – it starts in the barns behind you next month.”

You can imagine my reaction – I wet my pants.

After going to my truck to change my shorts, I came back and asked the Umpire, “Ms. Umpire, Can I borrow your head for my rock garden?” Funny thing – Kara’s strike zone immediately shrunk.

So the last inning Coach Misty pointed at me in the dugout and announced, “You’re going in as pitcher!”

I think she picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m on the field. As I walked to the pitcher’s mound, I shouted out to other team, “I came here tonight to chew bubble gum and kick ass! And, I’m all out of bubble gum!”

I could see the fear in their eyes.

The first hitter drove the ball straight back at me. I was ready, but my mitt wasn’t. It was as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

A famous person once said, “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.” We got some of that experience during my one inning stint – and then the rest of the season.

I still think it was the uniform, but Coach Misty explained to me, “Steve, sticking feathers up your butt doesn’t make you a chicken.” I’m not sure what chickens have to do with softball, but Coach is usually right.

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