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“Why Aging Males Develop Rapid Hair Growth”

April 4, 2011

eyebrowWhy do turkeys get aroused? How dangerous is sword swallowing? Is head-banging bad for you? These and other vitally important topics have been researched by our scholars.

Yet, with all the studies researched, I’ve yet to discover a study on a topic that brings special interest to me and other aging male Americans – “the rapid growth of hair in unusual places.”

Since I live in a predominately elderly community (with many subjects to study) and knowing how America is struggling financially, I decided to launch my own study.

The first step in my research was to identify the locations where hair growth is occurring. Torso, eye-brows, ears, and nose are what I found. There was a fifth location, but the research participants weren’t willing to cooperate with studying that spot – nor was I inclined to go there.

The next step was to answer the question – “Why?”

The answer to this question was explained by several participants from a religious perspective – “God has a sense of humor.” But, this was a scientific study and if I expected to ward off any needs for a future study, I would have to answer the question from a scientific point of view.

Let us begin with the torso.

I was mowing the lawn just the other day and decided to get a bit of sun on my upper body. My wife hollered out to me, “Hey, the weather’s beautiful – take off the sweater vest!”

Yes. This was the answer to the first question of my research. The human body was designed to grow hair on the torso during old age to counter circulatory compromise. Females weren’t designed in this manner because they could simply shelter under the male sweater vest.

Next on the list was the eye-brow. Due to the massive hair growth in this area many a man has a small bird or two nesting above his eyes.

The reason for turbo hair growth here is simply a head and gravity matter. Over time the male head grows to epic size. Unfortunately, this watermelon enlargement stretches the hair follicles on the top side.

The hair that’s left simply slides downwards. This downward fall results in a ring of hair on the side and the back. This phenomenon is masked by some males with a creative approach called the “comb-over.” With a can of Pantene and the right styling you can get a Jimmy Johnson look that’s guaranteed to stand up to a medium-sized Kansas Tornado.

You might ask, “What about the front-side?” Well, that hair simply slips down to the eyebrows.

The last area of our male hair growth study is the nose and ears. The growth rate in each of these locations can be explained with a phenomenon called “fertilizer leftovers.”

Humans endure years of having crap shoveled at them – they constantly smell it and hear it. This results in leftover residue in the two orifices. And, it provides a hotbed “like no other” for hair growth.

You might ask, “Why don’t women develop hair growth in the nose and ears?” The answer to that question is again simple. Women regularly wash their nose and ears. Men utilize a not-so-effective cleansing method called the “dig and scrape.”

That concludes the findings of this research. Hopefully, men world-wide can now relax with this newfound information.

And, I leave you aging males with one last message – “Let it grow dude!

p.s. Kansas Senator Moran, “You don’t need to personally thank me for saving the taxpayers millions for eliminating the need for an official governmental study on this matter.”

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